God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot
change, the Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the
difference.
My son, after 6 months clean and sober, relapsed one night
and committed a crime. A crime that put
him in prison for 3 years, two of which he has already served. Before that night I had such hopes that the
worst was over and that he was on his way.
I was startled awake at 5 am by a loud pounding on the front
door. My husband was on a business trip.
I stumbled to the door as I threw my robe on. I saw through the side windows of
my door, the uniforms of the police. My
stomach dropped and my heart was pounding.
I opened the door and 4 police men entered my home and asked if I knew
where my son was. A question I have
grown to fear. As they explained why they were looking for him, everything went
into slow motion for me. My legs went
weak and I fell back onto the stairs behind me. Could this really be
happening? My mind raced thinking about
where he was and what had happened. As
they took him away that morning in handcuffs, in my despair I had the distinct
feeling that this event would save his life.
After 10 months in the county jail he was sentenced to
prison. He had just turned 20. He was scared and I was devastated. The day they transported him to the prison, I
thought it wasn’t until the next day. I called the jail to check on something
and the officer informed me that he had been taken that morning. I thought I was prepared, but I wasn’t. I slumped to the floor and sobbed uncontrollably. I had never felt such despair. That was the
first day of my life that I stayed in bed all day, because I couldn’t face my
life.
As the days and weeks passed I found myself…not myself. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. (not like
me) I isolated myself and only did what I had to. I was suffering with anxiety and had trouble
leaving the house most days. I cried all
the time. I think it was not just his
sentence, but the years before of living with his addiction. I had kept myself and my family running even
though my son was killing himself. I
just couldn’t pretend to be alright anymore.
Then one day I knelt down and asked God to direct me to where
I needed to be. Within a few days I had
a job at Cirque Lodge, the rehab that my son had gone to before his arrest. I wasn’t looking for a job. But the universe answered and put me exactly
where I needed to be. It was hard at
first. Everything about that place
reminded me of him. The first time that
I stood in the circle holding hands with people I didn’t know and saying the
serenity prayer, I could barely speak. I
choked up with emotion every time. But,
as I continued to go and work with the residents, a healing began. My healing. I loved hearing their stories and
encouraging them in any way I could. As
I attempted to help them, I was being healed.
As I loved them, they loved me back.
We laughed and cried together.
There were many moments of personal realization for me. I got in touch with myself in a way I hadn’t
for years. I respect and admire those
that work there. They go about this work
of saving lives like their own lives depend on it. I watched the intensity they had as they did
their jobs. Many of them are in recovery.
They know what it is to suffer with addiction and they are heroes to
me. What great friends I made. After 8 months I feel like myself again. I am back to the me I knew before the
suffering started. Except, I’m a
different kind of me. Maybe wiser, maybe
stronger, for sure more compassionate. That
job saved me in ways I can’t explain.
Now I’m ready to get on with my life and pursue my dreams. I will always be a work in progress. Now, I understand the importance of self-care
and how vital it is to have boundaries. I know that I will always need support
in this life of living with addiction in my family. However, now I feel I have the tools I need
to cope…
Great post! You are amazing. Thank you for sharing this. The serenity prayer is special to me.
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