Just For Today

This morning as I opened my eyes, lying in bed, I thought.  Just for today.  Just for today I am going to live my life as if it didn’t happen.  I am going to put it in a box, close it and put it on a shelf.  Just for today, I am not going to think about it.  Just for today I won’t let the sadness of it weigh on my heart.  I won’t let the disappointment and fear cause a constant ache in my chest.  Just for today, I won’t let the intense feeling of failure affect how I feel about myself.  Just for today I will internalize the statement: I didn’t create it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it.  For today I will focus on all the great things happening in my life. For today I will let myself feel hope for the future.  Hope that someday this will all be a memory with a happy ending.  Just for today. For today I will focus on the things I can control in my life and find joy in that. Just for today.  Then tomorrow, I will try again.

I wrote this 3 years ago as my son sat in jail.  Having someone close to you that is in addiction, and all the chaos that is a part of the disease, is emotionally and physically staggering.  The constant fear and worry.  The feeling that the next storm is coming, if you're not already in one. The helplessness and confusion is overwhelming.  If you let it, it will take over your life.  

I remember many sleepless nights, up until he came home.  Waiting on the couch of the living room, watching and hoping he would come back.  The minutes like hours,  I didn't turn on the lights most of the time.  Just me in the dark, praying for my son.  Sometimes he came and sometimes he didn't.  When I saw him walking up to the house, the tears always came.  I would go to my room and sob with relief that he was home.

One thing I know for sure, when living with someone in addiction, you have to take care of yourself.  It seems impossible, I know.  But you must try to detach.  You ruining your life, doesn't help them or you.  Even if it's an hour at a time.  Take a rest from it mentally.  The book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is the bible, as far as I'm concerned, when you're living with someone in addiction.  If you haven't read it you must do it now.  It saved me in so many ways.

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