Rising From The Ashes

My son at the age of 20 years old was sent to prison for 3 years and 4 months.  He got into drugs at 14 and his life slowly spiraled downward from there.  These past years have felt like watching a movie of someone else's life.  A movie where the mother deserved this pain and humiliation.  A mother that set a bad example in the way she lived her life. A mother that used drugs herself or neglected her son or worst.  But I wasn't any of those mothers. Yet I was fighting to save this young man’s life with all that I had in me.  Trying anything I could think of to help him.  Even so, I sat in court watching my precious son enter with chains around his ankles and wrists. In a white jump suit that had INMATE across the back.  Filing in with characters that I would have warned him to never get near. Yet he was sitting right next to them.  He was one of them.  I couldn’t wrap my head around it.  He was facing a sentence of years in prison.  His “friends” turned against him so they could escape the terrible consequences.  Bailed out by there testimonies that it was all his fault.  I knew better…so did they. Even so, in this unbearable situation, he held his head high.  He took his sentence with the composure and courage of a man much older than he.  He accepted responsibility and didn’t blame anyone else.  As the judge announced his sentence, the room was quiet except for my sobbing.  I tried, so hard to cry softly, but I couldn’t control my emotion.  Just raw emotion coming from a mother’s heart.  The kind of emotion that won’t be hid or calmed.  That doesn't care who sees or what anyone else thinks.  As the bailiff led him out he glanced at me and I could see in his eyes the reassurance he wanted to give me.  As I walked to the car alone I felt the physical pain of a broken heart.  This was not what I had in mind for my life and for my son.  I would have never imagined I would be facing this situation.  I couldn’t let myself think about what lie ahead for him.  

It is 3 and a half years later and my son has shown me how to rise like The Phoenix from the ashes to a new birth. How you take the pain and mistakes of the past and make them work for you.  To accept what you can not change and make the most of it. The story of my son is just one of many things that have forced me to either wake up and live or to remain eyes closed holding on for dear life like you do when you’re on a rollercoaster ride.  I’ve been to the dark night of the soul. More times than I’d wished.  I have lived in pain and pushing down the emotion and confusion like you do an overflowing trash can. Keeping the lid on…tight.  Everything about my life is different than I had thought it would be.  I have been sad and scared for too long. I am ready to change my life.  This work of inner healing is hard work.  There is no blueprint or plan.  Only the plan that you make as you listen to your heart and soul. I think it will be different for everyone.  Nobody can tell you how to heal your life.  I have found that if you listen you will start to get the inspiration you need for your own healing. I am going to write about my process.  I feel like the mythical Phoenix bird.  Who after being burned to ashes ..starts to open her eyes and begin to rise up.  Learning from the past with eyes wide open… being born to a better life.

I will be posting every Sunday.  Please leave me a comment
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